forklift operator @commiequeer@anarchism.space

I'm still so young, lol. I was beginning to think that i was done unpacking the trauma from my adolescence. It has only been about 6 years though. Trauma that leaves you a husk of a person on the edge of death typically takes a lot longer than that to heal from.

I'm still torn up about the youth that was taken from me and that's nothing to be ashamed of

I'm bawling because i have been so uncharitable to myself for all this time. Blaming myself for the treatment i got. I should have never been put in a position where i had to choose between being myself and being supported in the first place.

This is the world i was born into! I never deserved the hostility I've faced all this time. But when everyone else tells you you're the problem, it seems true.

It shouldn't have been like that. I didn't deserve that. Only NOW am i understanding how unfair it was for me to be treated like that. That i should have been allowed to exist as a gay, transgender atheist who never bothered anyone without losing the respect and friendship of my peers.

For the 6-10 years that have passed since then, my attitude has been that i made a choice to be who I am knowing that it would lead me to be excommunicated by those around me. I could have chosen to do the work of pretending to be someone I'm not, but i chose to be true to myself and turn my back on my family, church, and larger community. I knew what the consequences would be and I took them with my head down until i graduated.

I just suddenly realized that the poor treatment i received from my peers in high school wasn't my fault. I wasn't bullied per se but i was a social pariah. Hardly anyone would speak to me or spend lunch period with me. The only acquaintances i had were also pretty low on the social food chain- a girl who everyone treated strangely because her dad kidnapped her in elementary school and her boyfriend who got mono in middle school.