I tried to learn make up so i could be more "womanly" but I felt like a fraud in it. Also i was bad at it. it was uncomfortable for me to wear due to autism and sensory issues.
now i wear make up sometimes for fun. I'm good at it and I like it. I don't feel fake because I'm not trying to look like a woman. I just want to look cute!
it all made me feel very ashamed of myself. I leaned into it and tried to own it by acting out sexually.
it took me a long time to unlearn that shame. but now i know that I'm a worthwhile person and I'm more than a fetish object, while also being very sexy and desirable.
I'm not perverse and I'm far from the only person who wants "both sets" of genitals. :)
I *also* interpreted some of my desires to be dirty and fetishistic. My repulsion at the idea of being pregnant and being a mother was sinful and whore-ish. The primary function of sex is to create children with your husband, but I didn't think I even wanted to be a bride.
my longing to have a dick in addition to my vagina and my envy of feminine men, twinks and crossdressers, and trans women- i had only seen people like this in porn
In dating, i don't feel like I play any gendered role. I do what I want. But often i gravitate towards behaviors that are labeled feminine- caretaking, housework. I can be a bit of a demanding princess. And a pillow princess.
But I'm also good at planning dates and I can be assertive. I initiate sex when i want it.
Idk, these things feel very typical of a queer woman. but I'm not a woman lol
also, watching women interact with each other, i knew there was something between them that I would never have or understand. I had female friends but it wasn't the same. I felt like an imposter
I don't fully understand friendships between women but I'm okay with it now because I know I'm not a woman.
I felt like some kind of freak or a pervert. :(
I think the actual root cause of these things was me feeling deeply uncomfortable in my own body
I got to the social dysphoria part, and just... wow. I'd never seen anyone describe my pre transition experiences so perfectly.
I was afraid and uncomfortable in the locker room. I was afraid of looking at others and being looked at. I attributed this to me being attracted to women and being afraid of being a "predatory lesbian"
I was afraid and awkward about social touch, and complimenting others' appearances I thought I would do something wrong(????) I attributed that to social anxiety.
I'd never read the gender dysphoria bible before. It's worth the read for anyone who's interested
@dankwraith so you get trans people uncritically internalising that gender is inherent, unchangeable, and biological, but making only the addition that sometimes people are born with Boy Brain or w/e, or gay people who basically agree being gay is bad and unnatural, but it's okay because they didn't have a choice
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