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The proctor for my exam is this enormous bald dude in extremely well tailored business casual with a super deep voice and fly as hell earrings. He looks like the henchman in an action movie who steps outside after the hero has effortlessly dispatched all the regular henchmen, and the hero makes an “uh oh” face when he sees him and the two have a protracted brawl.

Just say " fuck u" to the first non-gamer you see today

I don’t want to nationalize Facebook. I want to rationalize it with facts and logic

re: how do labor strikes work? 

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"Mom can we have some socialism"
"We already have socialism in one country"

Me: “We need to get rid of ALL advertising for medical corporations!”

Them: “What about the cute wolf doctor in the Symbicort commercials?”

Me, through gritted teeth, tears streaming down my cheeks: “Yes, even Cindy”

hey everyone i think that with enough data, you could technically compute anything [a stick of dynamite that has been sizzling for 15 seconds goes off and i turn into a pair of blinking eyeballs in a pile of ash]

hey everyone i figured it out!! the body is a robot and the brain is a comput- [i immediately walk headfirst into a wall painted like a tunnel]

oh so you've "blocked and reported" me for my "vile content"? jokes on you, ive got the cheat codes to your brain

If you can’t handle me at my eating-fistfuls-of-dandelionsest

You don’t deserve me at my surviving-the-apocalypsest

JFC I just passed a restaurant called “Send Noodles”

me just slappin my thigh for no reason: 1-800-ARE-YOU-SLAPPIN

I find the idea of a straight cowboy hard to believe

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